Ahhh Exam Day, the Great Equalizer, the individualized Hunger Games of your undergraduate career. As I schlepped my sorry self to three midterms last week, I couldn’t help but notice some familiar faces across all of my exam rooms, so, instead of fixating on my impending doom, I observed these ~college archetypes~ in their natural habitats.

And then developed specific profiles.

And then forced my roommates to capture my best impressions.

If only I studied with this much diligence.

The Caffeine Drip



This poor soul has seen more of Brody than the backs of her eyelids in the past 48 hours. The sweats, bloodshot eyes, and unwashed hair are common characteristics, but it’s the reusable coffee cup that gives this type away. A steady supply of sugar and caffeine is the only thing keeping her from falling asleep on her blue book. And sometimes even that isn’t enough.

Mostly likely to: have an alarm (or six) go off during the test.

Catchphrase: “What time is it?”


The Human Calculator

Don't worry, that calculator isn't mine.

Don’t worry, that calculator isn’t mine.

Don’t even bother saying hi to this test-taker on the morning of the exam; she’s a, erm, woman on a mission. She spent about 25% of her time studying and devoted the remaining hours to calculating exactly what score she needs on this exam to pass the class. This includes prioritizing familiarity with the test format over familiarity with the subject matter. She’s memorized a carefully-measured 2/3 of the material. Girl is making the system work for her.

Most likely to: do math in the booklet margins.

Catchphrase: “I need to answer 12.5 of the multiple choice questions.”


The Job Interview

Pretending like I have a life outside of Hopkins.

Pretending like I have a life outside of Hopkins.

This girl’s blazer is enough to earn her the A. Whether she’s just killing the game of life, has somewhere important to be, or is simply faking it until she makes it, The Job Interview dresses for the grade she wants to have. Maybe she hasn’t been to a single lecture and her world is falling apart beneath that well-tailored exterior. But she sure looks good.

Most likely to: have an extra pencil.

Catchphrase: “Will this take the whole hour?”


The Quiet Genius



Come to terms with it now: You will never know as much as The Quiet Genius. She just gets this class. She probably didn’t study, and she probably doesn’t have to. Nice, unpretentious, and totally about make you feel inferior with her low-key awesomeness. And you can’t even hate The Quiet Genius because she’s sweet enough to help you out with that hypergeometic distribution you just can’t master. Sigh. It’s not The Quiet Genius’s fault that she’s a cut above the rest. Try to distance yourself from her in the exam room though. Her confident, nonstop writing is bound to stress you out.

Most likely to: lend you her notes.

Catchphrase: “Not too bad, right?”


The One Who Studied

~not a care in the world~

~not a care in the world~

She’s everything the disgruntled test-taker shuns on exam day: perky, put-together, and prepared. The One Who Studied breezes into the auditorium a responsible 15 minutes early, notecards and fruit-infused water in hand. (She’s already eaten breakfast). You look at her and see the girl you could have been had you not skipped last week’s reading or binge-watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer for eleven hours. Where you went left, she went right, and it shows in her well-rested glow. You try to soak up some of her Zen with a mixture of envy and admiration.

Most likely to: average 8 hours of sleep a night.

Catchphrase: “It was on the study guide.”

Disclaimer: All profiles were embellished for the sake of ~internet comedy~. I think I’ve been each of these “types” at least once (except maybe The Quiet Genius, but a girl can dream). Midterms, while universally crappy, will never be the death of you. But they sure can inspire some kooky blog ideas!